Nowadays, we see a lot of people throwing empathy around. Usually, what they mean is sympathy. Let’s use a simple definition to show the distinction.
Sympathy is feeling for what the other person feels. If someone is jealous about who their ex is dating, and you feel pity for them - that’s sympathy.
Empathy is feeling as what the other person feels. In the above example, it would be feeling the same sense of jealousy as the other person.
Practicing empathy is very much possible, but it’s not as common as we’d like to think. If we are feeling as the other person feels, we’re thinking as they do as well, and when we are being as close to their feeling as we can, we don’t have conflict with the other person.
Because we ‘get it’.
If you’re arguing with someone, and you’re able to think the way they do; feeling that they’re right from their own reasoning - flawed and inconsistent as it may be - why would you feel uncertain about yourself? Do you often find yourself feeling bad about the things you feel you’re right on? They’re not angry with themselves for holding that position. If you were being empathetic, why would you be?
In my arts undergrad at Western, we came up with an effective way to know you’re atleast close to being empathetic: when you can support the other person’s view with thoughts they haven’t had.
If you think blue is best, and they think red is best, but you can make a case for red that even they haven’t thought of, and it proceeds from the foundations of what they’ve said? Making a supporting argument for opposition requires you to occupy that position nearly as well as they do.
It shows that - while you’re not occupying their exact space (that’s impossible) - you’re standing as close as possible, right beside them; your trains of thought are side by side, heading in the same direction (that picture above makes sense now eh?).
The benefits are boundless. The other person is more receptive to listening now, because you’ve definitely heard what they had to say. You didn’t just wait for your turn to speak, without really listening.
And when you practice this, you won’t be frustrated by the distance between your position and their position. Empathy requires putting your ‘position’ aside, and just occupying theirs in full, taking it further than even they have.
In the great debates of today, empathy is needed more than ever, for positions that are more problematic than we can ever tolerate. Because when the other party feels heard, understood & validated, they are far more receptive to change. And that was the goal all along right?
Interestingly, if you actually practice empathy this way, you might even find that the other person was right in certain regards. In ways you’d never considered, so narrowmindedly entrenched as you were in your position. It also makes you far more receptive to change.
I want to leave you with a quote from “Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card.
“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them... I destroy them.”
You’ll also know you’ve practiced empathy when you don’t feel like you’ve ‘won’ when they change their view. You’ll be too busy experiencing that mental shift right alongside them.
And it’s not easy. Sure, things like empathizing with suffering is damn near instinctive for us. But empathy is indiscriminate. Can you empathize with the killers, the dictators, the presidents of the world?
It’s good practice to make strong points of support with conviction for opposing stances, not just for the sake of inspiring change, but also to just better understand the opposing position.
Take a look at social media. Is empathy being practiced anywhere near as much as the word’s thrown around?
“Empathy requires putting your ‘position’ aside, and just occupying theirs in full, taking it further than even they have.”
It sounds a lot like improv—being in sync with the other, and building off ideas already introduced.