I want you to consider how often you’ve held the door open for a stranger.
Think about how many times you’ve done that - even when you were in a rush. Almost instinctively, almost… a habit.
That simple kindness, that small courtesy has become a thoughtless, routine action.
And that’s precisely why it happens so consistently.
Aristotle once said “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
The tricky thing is, ‘kindnesses’ (especially more complicated ones) are emotionally invested gestures.
We think about the other person, cause, or thing, and take an action. We get a dose of pleasure. We do more kindnesses. A feedback loop exists. Yet that feedback loop itself is standing in the way of it becoming a habit.
Think about when a person held a door open, and when the other person passed by without a word, the ‘kind’ person yells out “you’re welcome” in slight irritation. In mild disbelief.
When we take in gratitude after kindness, we’re reinforcing that as reward. We’ll expect it. When we take in ingratitude (inadvertent, hopefully), we reinforce a sense of punishment, and are more reluctant to act in the same, kind way.
To be habitually kind, the feedback loop has to be severed.
Nietzsche believed that kindness was more of a discharge from the person. That they were simply overflowing, and the runoff was kindness. That kindness is done because that’s who the person is. That not doing so, would cause the person harm.
The recipient’s response - gratitude, ingratitude, apathy - is simply irrelevant.
Focusing on committing kindness as a reflection and consolidation of your character, severs the feedback loop.
This is a difficult habit to forge. We’re hardwired to react to external response. Yet, that struggle itself is what makes it easy - you know it’s happening when you feel you’re being defiant. Immanuel Kant believed that morality is only strengthened when it is challenged. The surefire way to create the habit is precisely when you commit kindness for people who don’t appreciate it.
When you master your internal sense of dissonance with the act - when you can make yourself commit kindness regardless of the feedback - you can begin to be consistent.
Once the most difficult of recipients aren’t restricted from your kindness, it becomes easier.
P.S. kindness still involves a consideration of the other individual. Doing things you want, and what they don’t want, is not kindness.
I’ve been thinking about this intersection of Aristotle, Nietzsche and Kant’s ideas back since university, and I’ve written about this before. I practice it now - most of my kindnesses are simply what radical romantics do ;)
I’m going to be shifting into writing more such fusions, and still focus on distilling it for everyday language and use. Philosophy accessible to few, is worthless to most.
As always, if you enjoyed reading this, subscribe to receive them straight to your inbox. We’ll be cross examining many more ideas soon enough.
The words linger only to be refreshed at will. Not as a kindness, but as a need.